When Letting Go Is Tough: How to Emotionally Detach from Someone

There are a couple of ways to think about detachment.

It can mean avoiding certain people or situations that are causing you stress or anxiety, which can sometimes lead to “emotional numbing,” or the dampening of emotions.

Or, it can mean building and maintaining boundaries to preserve your mental health. By setting clear boundaries in your relationships, you can avoid the feelings of stress, anger, resentment, and disappointment that often build up when limits are pushed or ignored.

Now that you have a better idea of what emotional detachment is, it’s also a good idea to understand what detachment is not.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t able to feel or that you lack emotions, nor does it mean you lack empathy. While emotional detachment can be a symptom of depression, voluntary detachment isn’t an indication that you have depression.

Rather, it’s about building healthy boundaries to make your expectations clear and establish what behavior is comfortable for you and what is not.

While some people view voluntary detachment as “rude” or “unfeeling,” that’s rarely the intention of the person detaching from the relationship.

There are several reasons why people may feel they need to emotionally detach from a relationship — whether that’s an intimate relationship or a complicated family one.

Some of those reasons include:

• past experiences (neglect, abuse, or trauma)
• personal choice
• medication use, such as antidepressants
• other mental health conditions, such as PTSD, depression, or a personality disorder

When deciding whether to detach from a relationship, identifying your reasons for detaching can be helpful in your decision making.

If you can’t figure out why you’re detaching, consider reaching out to a healthcare or mental health professional. Talking with someone may help you determine why you’re doing it and how to do it in a way that’s best for you.

Detaching from a relationship doesn’t mean you’re abandoning that person or that you’ve stopped caring about them.

It can mean taking a step back to evaluate how that relationship is affecting you and your mental health.

Do you obsessively worry about that person all the time? Do you try to rescue them from making choices you don’t feel are healthy?

Do you feel that you have to tell them what to do all the time? Does that person do the same to you?

Taking responsibility for another person’s actions and behaviors can be tiring and overwhelming at times. In the same way, having another person trying to tell you how to act and behave can be equally frustrating.

Detaching can give you the emotional space you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, caring too much about another person’s life and problems can have a negative impact on your own emotional and physical health.

You may start to have headaches, lose sleep, or be more irritable. Excessive worry can lead to anxiety, fear, or panic.

So, when do you know it’s time to let go?

When your health depends on someone else’s actions and behaviors, it may be time to consider letting them go.

Now that you’ve made the decision that it’s time to let someone go, how do you actually do it? Here are some things you can try.

Identify the reason

Ask yourself why you’re now deciding to detach from the relationship. Having a solid reason to let go is important.

Without a strong reason, you may cave in and stay in the relationship. When identifying the reason you want to get out of the relationship, try to focus on the things that are progressive, rather than one-off issues.

For example, try to focus on the fact that your feelings for that person have changed over time, not that you got in your first fight.

Release your emotions

Releasing the emotion you feel about getting out of a difficult relationship is an important step in the process.

Whether you choose to cry, dance, or take a kickboxing class, it’s a good idea to release these emotions rather than bottle them up. By having an outlet for these emotions, you’ll be able to release the tension and avoid saying something you’ll regret.

Don’t react, respond

When leaving a relationship, there will inevitably be a difficult conversation.

During that conversation, the other person may say something that causes you to have a reaction. Reaction is a split-second decision and often can lead to regret.

Instead, take a deep breath and respond thoughtfully. By allowing the other person some space in the conversation and letting yourself take a moment to think more clearly, it’ll be a more productive conversation.

Start small

Just like smoking, quitting a relationship cold turkey can be painful and a shock to your system.

In some cases, you might consider starting small, slowly removing yourself a little at a time.

For example, start by one day deleting pictures of the two of you. Another day, delete their old messages. As you gently let go, your emotions will stay in check.

In other cases — like if the relationship is traumatic or involves domestic abuse or mistreatment — moving slowly may make things worse and cause more distress. Consider talking about next steps with a professional who specializes in these types of relationships.

Keep a journal

As you let go of a relationship, you’ll feel some big emotions. While it can be difficult to talk about them with other people, it can be helpful to work through your emotions in some way.

A journal can be a great way to process your feelings in a healthy, cathartic way.

Meditate

Meditating can train your awareness and attention, which can be especially helpful during a highly emotional break-up.

Meditation can also increase your focus, reduce your stress, encourage calm, and help reduce negative feelings.

Be patient with yourself

Walking away from a relationship that was important to you can be challenging. So, try to give yourself some grace and patience to move on.

Remember that you can learn how to have healthy attachments. It’s all a process, and you can enjoy the journey along the way.

Look forward

If you’re focused on looking at what your relationship used to be like, it will be increasingly difficult to walk away from it. It’s natural to look back and see only the best in a person or a relationship.

But looking back will leave you stuck in the relationship.

Instead, look to the future. Think about your future happiness, rather than glorify the past.

If you’re in an unhealthy romantic relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, there are some additional steps you may want to take.

Try to avoid sexual contact

Try to stop all sexual contact with the person you’re leaving. Sexual contact can strengthen your attachment and make it nearly impossible to successfully leave the relationship.

Try to stay away from alcohol or drugs

As tempting as it might be to temporarily forget about the pain and work of leaving a relationship, alcohol and drugs provide only temporary forgetfulness of the problem.

They won’t solve the issues and can actually be more harmful, as they can contribute to your attachment to the relationship.

Instead of looking for an escape in alcohol or drugs, try to face your feelings and the relationship head-on.

Consider joining a support group

Remember that you’re not alone. There are support groups available where you can share your experiences with others who’ve been in your shoes.

By joining a support group, you’ll connect with a group of people who know what it’s like to escape these types of relationships and can offer guidance and support during your journey.

If an in-person support group is too overwhelming for you, consider a virtual one.

Consider asking for help

Having the support of loved ones can play a role in you successfully leaving an unhealthy or harmful relationship.

Consider asking people you trust for their support and love during this challenging time. Explain that you might need them more during the coming months and communicate your challenges.

Remember: They love you and want to help.

If you’ve experienced an unhealthy relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, seeking help from a licensed mental health professional can be beneficial to your mental health.

It will allow you to process your experience and come out the other side stronger and more able to form healthy attachments in the future.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, consider that it may be time to let that relationship go.

This, of course, is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s hard to leave because you’re so entwined with that person, and sometimes it’s hard to leave because the other person doesn’t want to let you go.

Remember that detaching doesn’t mean you’re cruel or selfish.

When it comes to your emotional health, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your overall well-being.