My Narcissistic Ex Moved on Too Quickly but I Haven't

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality, you may know that a breakup can get really hurtful really soon.

People with narcissistic personality traits may have a hard time taking accountability for their actions, explains Allison Chawla, MA, LMSW, CC, a psychotherapist in New York state. “You have to think of them as having wires that were clipped beyond repair, and for your own well-being, it is best to walk away and accept that.”

However, everyone is different, and this also applies to narcissistic people. There are at least five types of narcissism.

Some narcissists may have a harder time dealing with a romantic breakup. Others might move on quicker, and, to you, it may appear as if they never loved you. But things are never so black or white.

It may sting to see your ex move on with someone else while you’re still reeling, but Feibel explains that, when it comes to narcissistic personalities, it’s not always about them moving on from you.

“Narcissists tend to look at their love relationships almost like commodities. They search for people who make them look good and help to represent the person they most want to be like,” she says.

If they feel that they’re not getting what they want from a relationship with you but that they could from someone else, that might make them move on quicker and easier. It’s not about love. It’s about status or satisfying personal needs.

It’s important to note that not everyone who moves on easily after a breakup has a narcissistic personality or a mental health condition. And, not everyone with a narcissistic personality moves on quickly after a breakup.

Some people with narcissistic personality may jump from relationship to relationship. It may be the pattern they’re used to.

This means that they might do everything possible to get with you, then lose all interest when you’re committed to them.

They might also have a difficult time accepting their flaws and resolving relationship conflicts.

In these scenarios, they might think it’s easier to break up with you and immediately turn their attention to someone else.

Someone with NPD might also see relationships as a space to get all the praise they crave or a place to exert all the power they like. That’s what they may be looking for in a relationship.

If they see relationships as something they can gain something from, they might be more likely to move from one to the next without much thought.

Most of the time, someone with NPD will not be aware of their symptoms. They may have a difficult time self-reflecting or feeling empathy. This is why they might end a relationship in a way that feels fair to them without showing interest in or care about how you feel.

For example, they might feel that disappearing on you is better than confronting you or letting you know how they feel.

They might also break up a relationship to feel that they have power over you and so that it’s you who has to convince them to stay. In fact, if you’re the one who moves on, some narcissists will come back after a breakup to see if they can get you back.

Not every person with narcissistic personality will have the same motivations, though. This is why it’s sometimes better for you to focus on their narcissistic behaviors than on their possible intentions.

For example, if they’re acting selfishly, cruelly, or unhealthily in general, it’s important that you set boundaries and take a step back before getting hurt more.

Maybe you decided to end the relationship, and now you’re surprised that your narcissistic ex moved on so quickly like they didn’t care.

When you break up with them, it’s also possible that an ex with a narcissistic personality may try to “get you back” and won’t accept a no from you. Trying to “get back at you” for leaving them is also a possibility. If so, they will likely walk away for good after they see you may regain interest.

Remember that they’re living with specific symptoms of a condition that may lead them to feel that they must ultimately control every situation or that you’ve done them wrong and won’t ever find someone better.

Those who have more severe symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder may also experience greater challenges in dealing with breakups.

This means that they might use manipulation tactics and games, behave in vindictive ways because you left, or move on from the relationship with apparent ease and no regret.

They might do things that make them look good in the eyes of others or that make you feel guilty. This may be a way for them to assert their sense of entitlement and superiority and it may have nothing to do with you.

A narcissist might also get into a new relationship right away to cope with the pain of breaking up with you.

Feeling that there’s someone else giving them attention and praise might help them heal a bruised ego or return from a narcissistic collapse. It might be easier for them to think that you’re the problem and that they can just find someone else.

It’s natural to wonder if your narcissistic ex is over you and moving on or if they’re moving over to the next relationship because they never cared.

The answer is: It depends.

Like anybody else, someone with narcissistic personality is able to fall in love.

Maybe they loved you and stopped caring, or maybe it wasn’t love at all. Perhaps they found something in the relationship with you that fulfilled a narcissistic need, and then this feeling stopped too.

People with narcissistic personality disorder may have difficulty forming secure attachments or being in touch with their own emotions and feelings.

“Behind the seemingly cruel behavior of a narcissist is really a layered cake of low self-esteem and unhappiness,” says Chawla. “Over time, they learn to survive off of others’ kindness and energy.”

Moving on after a breakup may be a coping mechanism for people with narcissistic personalities, she adds.

“Often, they are seeking validation from emptiness created in their childhoods or developed from trauma,” Chawla says. “Because they rarely get the actual help they need, they can never get what they need from another person.”

This might cause them to jump to the next relationship quickly in hopes that they’ll get the satisfaction they feel they didn’t find in the relationship with you.

It’s really not about you and what you did or didn’t do. It’s a need at the core of their unresolved difficulties with relationships.

A narcissistic ex may certainly attempt to come back to you after a breakup.

People with narcissistic personality sometimes have a propensity for impulsive behaviors, and they might end and restart relationships continuously for the thrill of it. It’s a way to know if they have power over you and if you’ll allow them to behave in this way. Controlling behaviors in relationships are common among narcissistic people.

“A narcissist will stay with you and come back to you as long and as often as you let them,” explains Chawla.

This doesn’t mean that the relationship with them will change, though. You could still be exposed to vindictive and toxic relationship behaviors.

Your narcissistic ex might need to feel that they have the last word or that they’re able to change your desire to end the relationship. Getting you back might be a challenge to them and not necessarily a romantic action.

“Getting over any relationship is always difficult. But because they come on so strong and then get so cold, people who were in relationships with narcissists often feel like they were punched in the gut after a breakup,” says Feibel.

Chawla says that the first important step when healing from a breakup with a narcissistic person is to realize that you weren’t the problem.

Someone with narcissistic personality disorder might tell you that they’re leaving because of you or because of something you did or didn’t do. They might even play the victim or decide to disappear without notice.

It’s important to realize that this might be a manipulation game they’re playing with you or the way they know how to deal with relationships.

What someone says about you doesn’t define you.

It might also help you to learn more about NPD symptoms and causes. “Understand how narcissistic people think and act so that you do not take the breakup too personally,” says Feibel.

Other tips to move on

Here are a few other things that you can try when moving on from a relationship with someone with NPD:

• Surround yourself with people you trust and who can support you during difficult times.
• Spend some time writing about your relationship. Write about how you felt at the beginning and how you felt toward the end. Include the lessons you learned about relationships and about yourself.
• Focus on yourself. It’s time to think about your goals, needs, interests, and future.
• Close all your doors to your ex. Even if there’s a part of you that wonders what they’re up to or that finds cutting all communication challenging, try to close the door to all possible contact with them.

If you’re having a particularly difficult time letting go, consider talking with a mental health professional who has experience with NPD.

Seeing a narcissistic ex move on quickly after you’ve been invested in the relationship can be a challenging situation.

There are many reasons that an ex with narcissistic personality may move on without ever looking back or considering how you feel. But it’s most likely never a personal choice. Instead, handling relationships in this way is part of the complexity of narcissism.

Even if you find it difficult at first, focusing on moving on yourself from the relationship might be the best way to overcome the hurt.